“Where’s he going with this one?” you ask. “Has he fallen off the deep end?”
Well, think about it. In the world of computer programing, schit happens. It appears whoever put together the team of programmers responsible for the roll-out of the Affordable Care Act wasn’t on his or her game. The computer problems that plagued the roll-out don’t reflect on the Act itself. They reflect on a group of programmers that didn’t do their job properly.
So it was with yesterday’s match at Gainey Ranch. The match was – by definition – as fair and balanced as any match in golf. But due to a “programmer’s error”, we were unable to announce the results until this morning. As suspected yesterday, the first place team was Dan Hourihan and Howard Jones (a.k.a. “the programmer”). Second place was captured by George Stelmach and Russ Hagberg. Here are the complete results. Prize money will be in envelopes in the Member’s Grill by Wednesday.
The computer glitch that delayed the announcement technically wasn’t a programming problem; it was a human problem. (Programmers are people too!) The programmer spent hours creating the algorithms to handle a “zero based handicap version of a Modified Stableford team best ball” match and then proceeded to forget to copy the files onto the traveling computer that is used at the club. The traveling computer is necessary because the programmer’s main computer is far too expensive to risk taking into the Member’s Grill. The risk is that participants could get too close to the computer with a glass of wine and pour it into the computer and thereby destroy it. Bruce Partridge has done this in the past and is therefore the reason the traveling computer is necessary. It logically follows that if Obamacare fails, it is the fault of Bruce Partridge. Furthermore, the act of forgetting to copy files from one computer to another is clearly related to a mental glitch that is age related. If I hear anymore crap about this, the club risks an age discrimination action. That too will be the fault of Bruce Partridge.
Back to the Member’s Grill – let’s talk skins. The revelation that resulted in a delay of the distribution of funds (similar to a government shutdown of sorts) came when I looked at the skins list. The programmer (whatever his name was) not only won the match, it appeared he took home two of the seven skins. In that he played poorly and didn’t record a single birdie, this seemed suspicious if not fraudulent. A review seemed to be in order. The review has been completed and the computer was right. On the 10th hole (#1 Arroyo), there were only three gross pars logged. Two of those three were strokeless, Gary Reibman and George Stelmach. The third one, Jones’, came with a stroke. Kaching! Net skin. There were only two pars made on the 17th hole (#8 Arroyo). Mike Nichols’ lack of a stroke meant the other par took home another net skin. There you have it – no birdies, two skins and a first place finish. Don’t blame me; blame Partridge.
For those of you who find the New York Times crossword puzzle insufficiently challenging, here is the list of all gross scores from Monday’s match. Feel free to verify the results with pencil and paper. Remember to adjust all handicaps by subtracting the lowest handicap from each, i.e., Mike Nichols was a six.
One last suspicious clue may need explanation. In the Grill, Buddy Stein was the blind draw. The computer selected Buddy as appropriate, but that was because it had been entered that he played from the green tees. He actually played from the white tees and his handicap was adjusted accordingly. After the adjustment, a new blind draw became appropriate. Although it didn’t affect the results in any way, the new blind draw became [queue the music] BRUCE PARTRIDGE! I told you it was his fault. Everything is his fault.